Bluffing

Sometimes I feel like such a colossal fraud - like I'm bluffing my way through life, and it's just a matter of time before I get busted for it.

But I set myself up for it. In my personal ethos, after murder, the worst kind of sin is a lie - almost every other sin is founded in lying - and the worst kind of lie is a broken promise.

And yet, I do it all the time - the modern term is "over commit". I promise creditors money that I don't yet have; I sign up for projects that I'm sure I'll be able to complete on evenings and weekends; I promise to spend time with my honey; I promise to get chores done - the list goes on, as I try to take care of everything and everybody (including, occasionally, me).

That's the heart of the problem, I guess: that I feel like I'm the one who's responsible. For everything. And I am, really. Honey's disabled, so I work to support us. And try to juggle our limited income to cover all of our expenses. And because she's disabled, I'm responsible for all the housework, too - if I don't do it, it doesn't get done. So the place is a wreck, all the time. Because by the time I get home from work, I have neither the energy nor the inclination to do any of the chores. And this feeling tends to carry over into the weekend as well, so very little gets done then, even though there's more time.

Thus with the best intentions do I pave the road to my own very personal Hell. When faced with the prospect of fulfilling this vast store of promises, I am so overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, the sheer impossibility of doing it all, that I have tremendous difficulty summoning the will to do any of it. And so I feel as if I'm failing at everything, that it's futile even to try. I begin every day sure that - worthless creature that I am - I will fail again. Because in my poor, tormented mind, anything less than total success and perfection is failure.

Is it any wonder that it's all I can do just to get out of bed? I honestly don't know how I manage it every day - to get up, dress, go to work - all the while no one seems to realize what a failure I am.

I feel like such a fraud.