And finding some very cool stuff:
Trust me, you have no idea how much I hate Bush -- and Dick isn't that great, either
I like this woman's perspective: The Catharine Chronicles
Planet Revolution
4/27/2005
I Shocked You Last Night
Don't deny it; I know I did. I could tell by the silence that descended when I had finished my brief speech. I sat there, feeling like a bug, silent tears sliding down my face, unable to look up as I waited for your response. So glad that the antidepressants had built up enough in my system to spare me the humiliation of the full-on weeping that would have ensued only a week ago.
Still I felt ashamed to be in that position: needing the help, and having to ask you for it. Some would say that there's no shame in it, but that's not how I was raised. I was raised to believe that to need help is shameful, and to ask for that help is even more so.
But then, I was raised to expect that I would by now have all the things you seem to take for granted: houses, cars, trips all over the world, not to have to worry about having enough to get by. Instead, here I am, working full-time but still living hand to mouth, lurching from one crisis to the next, never knowing if the current crisis (or the next one) is the one that finally costs me everything. And though I have occasionally made reference to being broke, I've never really come right out and told you before just how broke I am.
You think being broke means that you can't go to Europe this year; for me it means counting all my change to make sure I have enough for the transit fare to work and back till payday. For you, it's a question of whether you can put a new deck on your vacation home; for me, it's whether I can pay this month's rent on time. For you, it means paying a slightly higher co-pay so you can have the brand-name medication; for me, it's meant going without my medication so that I can get honey the most critical of hers - not even all of them.
Do you see a pattern here? You represent the affluent gays that the media assumes we all are. I, ostensibly in the same class, have none of that comfort. You tell me about your latest trip, or how you're remodeling your house, or buying another car. I smile and say "how nice", and you never see how every word grinds like glass in my heart.
Please understand: I'm not jealous of what you have; I don't begrudge you a bit of it. When I say that I'm happy for you, I am, really. It's just that you speak of it all so casually, as if everyone you know lives this way. It never occurs to you that I have to treat a trip to the coffee shop as an indulgence. What hurts is that I was raised to expect that I would have all these things that you have, that I would be so affluent. What hurts is realizing that no matter how hard I work, I will probably never have the life you have; that my life will never be so easy, so comfortable. I will never own one home, much less two. I will never have a new car; in order to buy a used car so that my honey isn't completely housebound, I'll have to decide what other essentials to shortchange.
And what really hurts is that last night I had to let you see that, because I had no other choice.
Still I felt ashamed to be in that position: needing the help, and having to ask you for it. Some would say that there's no shame in it, but that's not how I was raised. I was raised to believe that to need help is shameful, and to ask for that help is even more so.
But then, I was raised to expect that I would by now have all the things you seem to take for granted: houses, cars, trips all over the world, not to have to worry about having enough to get by. Instead, here I am, working full-time but still living hand to mouth, lurching from one crisis to the next, never knowing if the current crisis (or the next one) is the one that finally costs me everything. And though I have occasionally made reference to being broke, I've never really come right out and told you before just how broke I am.
You think being broke means that you can't go to Europe this year; for me it means counting all my change to make sure I have enough for the transit fare to work and back till payday. For you, it's a question of whether you can put a new deck on your vacation home; for me, it's whether I can pay this month's rent on time. For you, it means paying a slightly higher co-pay so you can have the brand-name medication; for me, it's meant going without my medication so that I can get honey the most critical of hers - not even all of them.
Do you see a pattern here? You represent the affluent gays that the media assumes we all are. I, ostensibly in the same class, have none of that comfort. You tell me about your latest trip, or how you're remodeling your house, or buying another car. I smile and say "how nice", and you never see how every word grinds like glass in my heart.
Please understand: I'm not jealous of what you have; I don't begrudge you a bit of it. When I say that I'm happy for you, I am, really. It's just that you speak of it all so casually, as if everyone you know lives this way. It never occurs to you that I have to treat a trip to the coffee shop as an indulgence. What hurts is that I was raised to expect that I would have all these things that you have, that I would be so affluent. What hurts is realizing that no matter how hard I work, I will probably never have the life you have; that my life will never be so easy, so comfortable. I will never own one home, much less two. I will never have a new car; in order to buy a used car so that my honey isn't completely housebound, I'll have to decide what other essentials to shortchange.
And what really hurts is that last night I had to let you see that, because I had no other choice.
4/25/2005
Surfing the Blogosphere (or, Cool Stuff You Can Find If You Hit "Next Blog" Enough Times)
This young woman is intelligent and articulate. Besides the fact that I agree with a lot of what she says, I really like the way she thinks and writes.
Third Wave Agenda
An American woman with a global perspective: Culture of Life News II
In the "hoisting the religious right on their own petard" category: PowersOnPolitics
Political Discussion: The Citizens
Fellow Fiber Fondler: Woolarina
And from NYC: Jon-Marc's Manhattan
It's Recess-time Somewhere
And I really like Waiter Rant
Third Wave Agenda
An American woman with a global perspective: Culture of Life News II
In the "hoisting the religious right on their own petard" category: PowersOnPolitics
Political Discussion: The Citizens
Fellow Fiber Fondler: Woolarina
And from NYC: Jon-Marc's Manhattan
It's Recess-time Somewhere
And I really like Waiter Rant
4/20/2005
I'm having a crisis here
Emotional, spiritual, financial. I am so fucked up and feeling fucked over on so many levels right now. Although my whole adult life has been an exercise in crisis management, of robbing Peter to pay Paul - my life as Job, or Charlie Brown. I really don't know how much more I can take.
I've been battling depression all my life - literally, since I was a little girl, although it went unremarked and disbelieved then, back in the days when everyone believed that children had no stress and nothing to worry about. Then, as now, I had plenty to be depressed about, and there was no help for me anywhere, and I was taught to ask for nothing. About 4 years ago, when I started the job before this one and got really good health benefits, I got on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. It didn't make life stop sucking, but at least I could deal with it calmly.
Last year, when I got laid off, the benefits (obviously) stopped. No way could I afford COBRA and also pay my honey's meds out of pocket and wait for reimbursement, though I tried for a couple of months. Try paying rent, meds (do you know what Oxycontin costs? I do), COBRA, plus all the other normal operating expenses (food, transit, utilities, etc.) on an unemployment check that barely exceeds rent. So I went off my meds, figuring I could tough it out for a few months, and honey and I picked the most essential of her meds, and tried to get by. All we really managed to do wasget farther and farther behind - on everything.
Right before the winter holidays, I started a new job - better than unemployment by a long shot, but about 20% less than my previous job, and certainly not enough to get caught up yet, especially since I was still paying honey's meds out of pocket in amounts that approach that of rent.
This month, the benefits at my new job finally kick in, and we're down to reasonable co-pays on things. Not as good as the benefits I had at the old job, but better then out-of-pocket by a long shot. But also this month, I started getting tagged for back taxes in a roughly equivalent amount. So I'm still behind, and gonna be that way for the rest of the summer. My preliminary estimate is that the last of those payments will be in September.
Meanwhile, the landlord has finally lost patience with my pleading and paying late every month. I have until the end of this month to come up with this month's rent ($1205 including late fee), and I have to pay next month's rent no later than May 5th - no excuses, no lenience, no nothing. Right this minute, I have no idea how I'm going to come up with it. Every week, I'm paying the past-due balance on some bill or other (while setting aside whole flocks of dunning notices), or buying meds, or groceries, or transit or something equally frivolous and extravagant. I've had to back out of my commitment to help host the scholarship awards dinner (of which organization I'm co-chair), because I can't even pretend that I can afford the costs of attending it.
I've tried contacting several agencies to see if I can get some help, at least with the current rent crisis, but - not surprisingly - they are no help to me at all. I say not surprisingly because it's typical of my life. I can't get any help because either it's not available when I need it or it is available but I don't qualify.
I wish I could say that my current situation is unusual, but it's actually quite typical of my adult life. I've never been able to get ahead. The closest I've ever managed to get to making ends meet is getting them within hailing distance. Every time they get close enough that I start to think that this time I'll catch up to break-even status something happens - a new expense, the loss of a job, frequently both at once - and I find myself wishing I could just get the ends to maybe email or phone each other. All my life, the light at the end of the tunnel has consistently turned out to be the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Which brings me to the spiritual crisis. Despite all the crap I've been through (which included spending my childhood and adolescence being abused in every possible way by my stepfather while my mother both expected me to be perfect and denied the abuse was happening (which she still does, btw)), I maintained my belief in a benevolent Deity. I considered my spiritual person, and even spent years as a practicing shaman-teacher-healer-guide-counselor; although, unlike many such practitioners, I never could figure out a way to get paid for my services that felt honorable to me. I figured that all my suffering was redeemed in my ability to relate to those I was helping, thus furthering my ability to help them. I continued to believe that the Deity was essentially benevolent. I'd observe that I always got what I needed - mind you, not one scrap more nor one second sooner than absolutely necessary to drag my sorry ass just that fraction of an inch back from the edge of utter disaster - so I believed, and blamed my panic about the crumbling cliff edge on a shortage of faith on my part. I thought that maybe if I just kept believing that the Deity wouldn't really let mefall, then maybe I'd be allowed to walk on firmer footing.
That hope has never yet been fulfilled, and I have recently come to the conclusion that it never will. I feel that I have suffered enough in the nearly five decades I've spent on this planet that even if the rest of my life went swimmingly from here on out, I'll never forget how it feels to go through this crap. I'll never lose the ability to relate to others who are going through it - I could still help people. Hell, if I could quit worrying about having enough to keep a roof over me and mine, it would be easier for me to help others. I know this, because whenever I've had even a little to share, I've done so. I can't believe that I'd quit doing so, just because I had more to share.
Therefore, I find myself facing two semi-opposing alternatives to my belief in a benevolent Deity (which is almost completely gone):
If you're still reading this, and are by some chance inclined to contribute to the Lady Cat Emergency Relief Fund (aka the Keep Lady Cat Out Of Debtor's Prison Fund), you can Paypal your donations to the email address in my profile.
If you are instead inclined to try to sign me up with your God - please - save it for someone who hasn't already been to that party and come away hungry.
I've been battling depression all my life - literally, since I was a little girl, although it went unremarked and disbelieved then, back in the days when everyone believed that children had no stress and nothing to worry about. Then, as now, I had plenty to be depressed about, and there was no help for me anywhere, and I was taught to ask for nothing. About 4 years ago, when I started the job before this one and got really good health benefits, I got on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. It didn't make life stop sucking, but at least I could deal with it calmly.
Last year, when I got laid off, the benefits (obviously) stopped. No way could I afford COBRA and also pay my honey's meds out of pocket and wait for reimbursement, though I tried for a couple of months. Try paying rent, meds (do you know what Oxycontin costs? I do), COBRA, plus all the other normal operating expenses (food, transit, utilities, etc.) on an unemployment check that barely exceeds rent. So I went off my meds, figuring I could tough it out for a few months, and honey and I picked the most essential of her meds, and tried to get by. All we really managed to do wasget farther and farther behind - on everything.
Right before the winter holidays, I started a new job - better than unemployment by a long shot, but about 20% less than my previous job, and certainly not enough to get caught up yet, especially since I was still paying honey's meds out of pocket in amounts that approach that of rent.
This month, the benefits at my new job finally kick in, and we're down to reasonable co-pays on things. Not as good as the benefits I had at the old job, but better then out-of-pocket by a long shot. But also this month, I started getting tagged for back taxes in a roughly equivalent amount. So I'm still behind, and gonna be that way for the rest of the summer. My preliminary estimate is that the last of those payments will be in September.
Meanwhile, the landlord has finally lost patience with my pleading and paying late every month. I have until the end of this month to come up with this month's rent ($1205 including late fee), and I have to pay next month's rent no later than May 5th - no excuses, no lenience, no nothing. Right this minute, I have no idea how I'm going to come up with it. Every week, I'm paying the past-due balance on some bill or other (while setting aside whole flocks of dunning notices), or buying meds, or groceries, or transit or something equally frivolous and extravagant. I've had to back out of my commitment to help host the scholarship awards dinner (of which organization I'm co-chair), because I can't even pretend that I can afford the costs of attending it.
I've tried contacting several agencies to see if I can get some help, at least with the current rent crisis, but - not surprisingly - they are no help to me at all. I say not surprisingly because it's typical of my life. I can't get any help because either it's not available when I need it or it is available but I don't qualify.
I wish I could say that my current situation is unusual, but it's actually quite typical of my adult life. I've never been able to get ahead. The closest I've ever managed to get to making ends meet is getting them within hailing distance. Every time they get close enough that I start to think that this time I'll catch up to break-even status something happens - a new expense, the loss of a job, frequently both at once - and I find myself wishing I could just get the ends to maybe email or phone each other. All my life, the light at the end of the tunnel has consistently turned out to be the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Which brings me to the spiritual crisis. Despite all the crap I've been through (which included spending my childhood and adolescence being abused in every possible way by my stepfather while my mother both expected me to be perfect and denied the abuse was happening (which she still does, btw)), I maintained my belief in a benevolent Deity. I considered my spiritual person, and even spent years as a practicing shaman-teacher-healer-guide-counselor; although, unlike many such practitioners, I never could figure out a way to get paid for my services that felt honorable to me. I figured that all my suffering was redeemed in my ability to relate to those I was helping, thus furthering my ability to help them. I continued to believe that the Deity was essentially benevolent. I'd observe that I always got what I needed - mind you, not one scrap more nor one second sooner than absolutely necessary to drag my sorry ass just that fraction of an inch back from the edge of utter disaster - so I believed, and blamed my panic about the crumbling cliff edge on a shortage of faith on my part. I thought that maybe if I just kept believing that the Deity wouldn't really let mefall, then maybe I'd be allowed to walk on firmer footing.
That hope has never yet been fulfilled, and I have recently come to the conclusion that it never will. I feel that I have suffered enough in the nearly five decades I've spent on this planet that even if the rest of my life went swimmingly from here on out, I'll never forget how it feels to go through this crap. I'll never lose the ability to relate to others who are going through it - I could still help people. Hell, if I could quit worrying about having enough to keep a roof over me and mine, it would be easier for me to help others. I know this, because whenever I've had even a little to share, I've done so. I can't believe that I'd quit doing so, just because I had more to share.
Therefore, I find myself facing two semi-opposing alternatives to my belief in a benevolent Deity (which is almost completely gone):
- There is no Deity, no higher power, and therefore no reason for my suffering, or
- The Deity which has pretended benevolence only to the degree necessary to keep my hopes up is in reality a sadistic bastard who tortures me for no reason other than It's own sick pleasure.
If you're still reading this, and are by some chance inclined to contribute to the Lady Cat Emergency Relief Fund (aka the Keep Lady Cat Out Of Debtor's Prison Fund), you can Paypal your donations to the email address in my profile.
If you are instead inclined to try to sign me up with your God - please - save it for someone who hasn't already been to that party and come away hungry.
4/19/2005
Don't Ask
Don't ask me how I feel today
I'm likely to tell you
Spill my heart all over the floor
You stand there stunned
Covered in gore
You didn't really want to know
Just being sociable
But I'm broken here
Held together with wire
and bits of tape
So for both our sakes
It's better if you just
Don't ask
I'm likely to tell you
Spill my heart all over the floor
You stand there stunned
Covered in gore
You didn't really want to know
Just being sociable
But I'm broken here
Held together with wire
and bits of tape
So for both our sakes
It's better if you just
Don't ask
4/15/2005
The Trouble With Titles....
...is that they so often bear no resemblance to the contents of the blog. Grrrr....
I like to check the "recently updated blogs" section of the Dashboard page, just to see who's out there writing what. All well and good, you say....right. So I hit the link for one called "Kill All Hats", thinking this will be something quirky and whimsical. I like offbeat humor; I'm like that, okay? The page loads, and I'm faced with a page full of Google dumps. Why, people? Why?
I hit another cool-sounding title, only to find that the title is the only part of the blog that's in English; the rest is in some other language, and about half the time, in some other alphabet! Please! If you're not going to write in English, that's fine. Sometimes I enjoy seeing how much of my school Spanish or French remains in my brain. But if you're not writing in English, why use it for the title?
And while I'm at it, what's with these little java app windows that load in front of the page so that you have to click on each and every one of the little fuckers before you can see the blog itself? And the pages that are so crammed full of separate little frames that you can't read it anyway when you get there?
I'm just saying....
I like to check the "recently updated blogs" section of the Dashboard page, just to see who's out there writing what. All well and good, you say....right. So I hit the link for one called "Kill All Hats", thinking this will be something quirky and whimsical. I like offbeat humor; I'm like that, okay? The page loads, and I'm faced with a page full of Google dumps. Why, people? Why?
I hit another cool-sounding title, only to find that the title is the only part of the blog that's in English; the rest is in some other language, and about half the time, in some other alphabet! Please! If you're not going to write in English, that's fine. Sometimes I enjoy seeing how much of my school Spanish or French remains in my brain. But if you're not writing in English, why use it for the title?
And while I'm at it, what's with these little java app windows that load in front of the page so that you have to click on each and every one of the little fuckers before you can see the blog itself? And the pages that are so crammed full of separate little frames that you can't read it anyway when you get there?
I'm just saying....
Artist + Breadwinner = Frustration
It may surprise you to know that I am also one of those creative types. Personally, I find it very frustrating to have to work for a living when I really have an artistic temperament - I'd rather be making art, but I'm the designated breadwinner, so whatcha gonna do, eh?
I fit it in where I can. I quilt on the commute train. I keep a knitting project by the bed, so I can knit while I'm hangin' out with my honey. The bead jewelry's kind of on hold for the moment because I have other projects due, but I'm designing a new necklace in my head this week, as well as a few other projects. Now that we're well into spring, I need to start carrying my camera again so I can take pics of all the things that inspire me as I go along my way. Honestly, if I never had to work again, I'd still have to live to be well over 300 to realize all the things I have in mind!
Anyway, projects that I currently have in (active) progress because there are deadlines involved:
I fit it in where I can. I quilt on the commute train. I keep a knitting project by the bed, so I can knit while I'm hangin' out with my honey. The bead jewelry's kind of on hold for the moment because I have other projects due, but I'm designing a new necklace in my head this week, as well as a few other projects. Now that we're well into spring, I need to start carrying my camera again so I can take pics of all the things that inspire me as I go along my way. Honestly, if I never had to work again, I'd still have to live to be well over 300 to realize all the things I have in mind!
Anyway, projects that I currently have in (active) progress because there are deadlines involved:
- a knitted lace shawl in a pretty shimmery pink yarn for honey to wear to the awards dinner on May 6
- my "coat of many colors"/ceremonial robe to wear when honey and I officiate at our foster son's wedding on May 14. This weekend, I need to wash/press/cut the backing fabric for the sections that I've already pieced, so that I can at least quilt enough of it to make a suitable stole for the occasion; I really don't think I'm gonna get into full robe form in time, I've just been too busy (when I haven't been to sick/depressed to do anything at all)
- six quilt blocks for a sampler swap with one of my online lists. I was supposed to have three of these done last month, and the other three this month, but I just haven't been able to get it done. I did post to the list last month to let them know that I'm hoping to get the March ones done by the end of May, and the April ones done by the end of June. I love swaps, but I too often wind up not having time to fulfill my obligations in a timely manner, which is really not fair to the other swappers.
Very Cool Site
Click here to view the WebCam of the falcons nesting on the roof of PG&E's corporate HQ in San Francisco. To them, it's just another cliff, y'know?
Lest you think I do nothing but bitch...
I offer the following bits of brightness that are currently in my life:
- It's sunny and warm
- It's Friday
- Yesterday on the way home from work, I encountered a friend that I haven't seen in years, who invited honey and me to come to a party at his house at the end of the month. I'm so glad to reconnect with the old circle!
- On the train going home last night, a young woman singing opera for tips - a touch of civilization that really made me smile
- My health benefits have finally kicked in, which means that yesterday I was able to pick up 5 of honey's meds for a total of $100 in co-pays that would otherwise have cost well over $1,000 otherwise
- Honey was able to get us an appointment with our GP for next week, so I'll soon be back on my anti-depressants - Yay!
- It's Friday
- The nice weather is supposed to hold through the weekend
4/13/2005
Yank Me Around Some More, Why Doncha?
Thanks ever so much.
I haven't yet determined the number of the days, but numbered they are.
I haven't yet determined the number of the days, but numbered they are.
4/06/2005
Domestic Partnership <> Marriage
How many times do we have to have our noses rubbed in it?
I just got it again this week, and I am so pissed. My benefits were supposed to kick in on the 1st of April, including full coverage for my domestic partner. California law now states that employers must provide benefit coverage to domestic partners equivalent to that of spouses. In fact, the law states that we now have the same rights and responsibilities as hetero married couples in the state of California, except for filing taxes jointly - because the state requires that one file with the same status as one files with the federal government - and any other instance where federal law trumps the state, because the fed doesn't recognize domestic partnerships.
So last month I turned in my form with my choices for benefit coverage, including the same for my DP. No sweat, right? Wrong. First, March 31 finds in my mailbox a letter stating that I have waived all coverage except that which is fully employer-paid (certain life and accident coverage). So, first thing the next morning, I'm on the phone to the admin at the office out of which I work (having failed to get a human on the phone at the benefit hotline number, even though it's within their stated office hours), to ask her what's up with this. She's not at her desk, so I leave a message, asking her to call me back ASAP. By midafternoon, no response, so I leave another message.
I'm a little tense about this, because since I got laid off last summer, I've been paying all my DP's medical expenses (actually not all, I've been holding off the doctors and just paying for those meds she absolutely has to have) out of pocket, to a tune that exceeds the rent (which I'm also behind on). Needless to say, we've been anxiously awaiting an end to this state of affairs. Some people already know that our financial state has me walking the edge of a nervous breakdown - have I ever mentioned that depressed people don't deal with stress well? I don't sleep well, I cry all the time, you get the picture?
By Monday morning, I feel like utter crap, and not sure whether it's a bug or the depression, I call in sick and go back to bed. Later, when I get up again, I put in another call to the admin. Still no response. Same story yesterday. Finally, late in the day, I get an email from her which is not an answer to my question, but a forward from the central benefits admin, to the effect that I need to fill out an affidavit stating that my DP is my DP and signed by both of us. By the time I open this email, it's after office hours, so I fire back an email asking, essentially (but more politely) WTF?
Why am I finding out about this form at the last minute? Why is it even necessary, given the current law in this state and the fact that married people don't have to do it? If it is necessary, why was it not in the original (really fat) packet of info and forms I got when I first signed up? Especially since I said from the outset that I need to cover my DP because I'm her sole support. I already took a pay cut from what I was getting at my previous job (about 20% off the net pay), which I told them I couldn't afford to sustain any longer than absolutely necessary, but I took it because at least it was better than the pittance I was getting in unemployment.
So I finally get the benefits person on the phone this morning. She confirms that I am covered as of the first, but the IRS requires this affidavit before they can cover her. And by the way, I'm the first person who's had a problem with this. No doubt the rest are either (a) too used to sheepishly doing as they're told, (b) not really up on the law in this state (the relevant chunks of which took effect the first of this year), (c) not in such a bind that it matters as much t othem as it does to me, or (d) some combination of the foregoing. Grrr.... fine, I'll do the frk'n form. By the way, I tell her, better look up the form on which I state that she is also my dependent for tax purposes, because I'll need to fill that out, too, so you don't collect tax on the "imputed income" of the premiums for her coverage. She's never heard of this, and refers to the part where if my DP's child is considered my DP's dependent, then I can't include said child. I looked at that bit again, and clarified her on the fact that if my DP's child were living with us, that child would also be my dependent, not my DP's dependent, because as I mentioned, I'm the sole support of my household. But we don't have to confuse things with a child, because the only child that has ever lived with us was my own, and she turned 18 and moved out last year. There's just me and DP, who is my dependent, as she's had no income for years now, and I'm her sole support. She says she'll put in a call to their legal department. Once we get the paperwork in, she'll be considered covered for the whole month, no problem there, although I still haven't pinned down exactly when we get proof of coverage that we can use to assuage her doctors and buy her meds.
Meanwhile, the Kramer decision (the one that says denying marriage to same-sex couples is against the state constitution) is on its way through the appeals process. I'm fairly confident that it will be upheld, but I am so sick and tired of having to go through this crap all the time until it is.
One of the reasons that some people use to deny us marriage rights is that "gays are promiscuous; they aren't capable of committed relationships". Bullshit! We go through all kinds of legal hoops to take care of each other and to get even the small fraction that we are able to get of the rights and responsibilities that straights get simply by saying, essentially, "we're married; give it to us". Oh, I know, it's not quite that simple. I had a straight marriage once, so I know how it goes - something like this:
1. Go to the appropriate office.
2. Pay a fee.
3. Get a form.
4. Have a licensed officiant (which can be as simple as going down the hall to another office in the same building) say "Do you?"
5. Say "I do" and sign the form, along with the officiant and two witnesses (who can be anyone who happens to be in range when you say "I do".
6. Turn in the form.
7. You are now legally married.
This simple process (which can take as little as, say, lunchtime) gets a straight couple a whole slate of rights and responsibilities (over 300 state, and well over 1,000 federal), which are hereafter assumed simply by use of the statement: "this is my spouse". You will only need to present your marriage certificate a few times. In my entire 9 years of marriage I only remember two: once to change my last name to his on my Social Security record; and when he died, so that I could get his death certificate and collect on his life insurance. That was it, folks.
To get any of that, even though the law now says that we're entitled (at least in the state of California), at best I have to fill out extra forms - for the simple stuff, like getting her covered by my employer's health coverage. For more complex things, like buying a house (if I should ever find myself so financially fortunate - and that's a whole other rant), I need to involve lawyers to make sure that no one can subvert my will that she inherit or otherwise benefit from my efforts in her behalf.
I ask you, is that even remotely fair? I don't think so.
I just got it again this week, and I am so pissed. My benefits were supposed to kick in on the 1st of April, including full coverage for my domestic partner. California law now states that employers must provide benefit coverage to domestic partners equivalent to that of spouses. In fact, the law states that we now have the same rights and responsibilities as hetero married couples in the state of California, except for filing taxes jointly - because the state requires that one file with the same status as one files with the federal government - and any other instance where federal law trumps the state, because the fed doesn't recognize domestic partnerships.
So last month I turned in my form with my choices for benefit coverage, including the same for my DP. No sweat, right? Wrong. First, March 31 finds in my mailbox a letter stating that I have waived all coverage except that which is fully employer-paid (certain life and accident coverage). So, first thing the next morning, I'm on the phone to the admin at the office out of which I work (having failed to get a human on the phone at the benefit hotline number, even though it's within their stated office hours), to ask her what's up with this. She's not at her desk, so I leave a message, asking her to call me back ASAP. By midafternoon, no response, so I leave another message.
I'm a little tense about this, because since I got laid off last summer, I've been paying all my DP's medical expenses (actually not all, I've been holding off the doctors and just paying for those meds she absolutely has to have) out of pocket, to a tune that exceeds the rent (which I'm also behind on). Needless to say, we've been anxiously awaiting an end to this state of affairs. Some people already know that our financial state has me walking the edge of a nervous breakdown - have I ever mentioned that depressed people don't deal with stress well? I don't sleep well, I cry all the time, you get the picture?
By Monday morning, I feel like utter crap, and not sure whether it's a bug or the depression, I call in sick and go back to bed. Later, when I get up again, I put in another call to the admin. Still no response. Same story yesterday. Finally, late in the day, I get an email from her which is not an answer to my question, but a forward from the central benefits admin, to the effect that I need to fill out an affidavit stating that my DP is my DP and signed by both of us. By the time I open this email, it's after office hours, so I fire back an email asking, essentially (but more politely) WTF?
Why am I finding out about this form at the last minute? Why is it even necessary, given the current law in this state and the fact that married people don't have to do it? If it is necessary, why was it not in the original (really fat) packet of info and forms I got when I first signed up? Especially since I said from the outset that I need to cover my DP because I'm her sole support. I already took a pay cut from what I was getting at my previous job (about 20% off the net pay), which I told them I couldn't afford to sustain any longer than absolutely necessary, but I took it because at least it was better than the pittance I was getting in unemployment.
So I finally get the benefits person on the phone this morning. She confirms that I am covered as of the first, but the IRS requires this affidavit before they can cover her. And by the way, I'm the first person who's had a problem with this. No doubt the rest are either (a) too used to sheepishly doing as they're told, (b) not really up on the law in this state (the relevant chunks of which took effect the first of this year), (c) not in such a bind that it matters as much t othem as it does to me, or (d) some combination of the foregoing. Grrr.... fine, I'll do the frk'n form. By the way, I tell her, better look up the form on which I state that she is also my dependent for tax purposes, because I'll need to fill that out, too, so you don't collect tax on the "imputed income" of the premiums for her coverage. She's never heard of this, and refers to the part where if my DP's child is considered my DP's dependent, then I can't include said child. I looked at that bit again, and clarified her on the fact that if my DP's child were living with us, that child would also be my dependent, not my DP's dependent, because as I mentioned, I'm the sole support of my household. But we don't have to confuse things with a child, because the only child that has ever lived with us was my own, and she turned 18 and moved out last year. There's just me and DP, who is my dependent, as she's had no income for years now, and I'm her sole support. She says she'll put in a call to their legal department. Once we get the paperwork in, she'll be considered covered for the whole month, no problem there, although I still haven't pinned down exactly when we get proof of coverage that we can use to assuage her doctors and buy her meds.
Meanwhile, the Kramer decision (the one that says denying marriage to same-sex couples is against the state constitution) is on its way through the appeals process. I'm fairly confident that it will be upheld, but I am so sick and tired of having to go through this crap all the time until it is.
One of the reasons that some people use to deny us marriage rights is that "gays are promiscuous; they aren't capable of committed relationships". Bullshit! We go through all kinds of legal hoops to take care of each other and to get even the small fraction that we are able to get of the rights and responsibilities that straights get simply by saying, essentially, "we're married; give it to us". Oh, I know, it's not quite that simple. I had a straight marriage once, so I know how it goes - something like this:
1. Go to the appropriate office.
2. Pay a fee.
3. Get a form.
4. Have a licensed officiant (which can be as simple as going down the hall to another office in the same building) say "Do you?"
5. Say "I do" and sign the form, along with the officiant and two witnesses (who can be anyone who happens to be in range when you say "I do".
6. Turn in the form.
7. You are now legally married.
This simple process (which can take as little as, say, lunchtime) gets a straight couple a whole slate of rights and responsibilities (over 300 state, and well over 1,000 federal), which are hereafter assumed simply by use of the statement: "this is my spouse". You will only need to present your marriage certificate a few times. In my entire 9 years of marriage I only remember two: once to change my last name to his on my Social Security record; and when he died, so that I could get his death certificate and collect on his life insurance. That was it, folks.
To get any of that, even though the law now says that we're entitled (at least in the state of California), at best I have to fill out extra forms - for the simple stuff, like getting her covered by my employer's health coverage. For more complex things, like buying a house (if I should ever find myself so financially fortunate - and that's a whole other rant), I need to involve lawyers to make sure that no one can subvert my will that she inherit or otherwise benefit from my efforts in her behalf.
I ask you, is that even remotely fair? I don't think so.
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