"should be" versus "is"

“Should” is the most stressful word I know. It is the sound of expectations unfulfilled.

“I should be able to handle this.”
“I should be a homeowner at my age.”
“I should be able to support my family on my earnings.”
“I should be cleaning the house right now.”

Unrealistic expectations are one of the biggest sources of stress in our lives, because we get all set up about what should be instead of dealing with what is.

One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to banish “should” from our lexicon. First, think about whose expectations are reflected in those “should”s. Now substitute “want” for “should”. Note that I said “want”, not “need”. If you have a roof over your head and are eating more or less regularly, “need” is pretty well taken care of. Treat anything else as a “want”.

When you put the word “want” in place of the words “need” or “should”, it’s easier to get a useful perspective on it. Who wants it? Do you? How badly do you want it? What does it do? Will a part of it serve, or do you want it all? What can you do to make it happen? This brings your head back to what is, and what you can do to affect it.

It may be that what is really sucks, and it may be that you can’t change it right now. In which case, how important is it, really? Can you get around it? Can you skip it? Is there another way to take care of that want? Can you get help with it?

All we can do is what we can do, and getting wrapped up in what “should be” doesn’t change that. It just gets us upset for no reason. When you hear “should” in your head, give yourself permission to say “Fuck it; I don’t need that”, and go on with your life.