Relativity

I'm currently working on a university campus, and I like it. But it's a bit disconcerting at times to be surrounded by youth and beauty and not really be part of it. Some people in such a setting ask themselves "Was I ever that young?" I don't. What confuses me is "When did I get so old?"

Don't get me wrong. I don't feel old (except when I'm overwhelmed by the feeling of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, but that's a different rant). Mostly, I still feel like a college student. Certainly, the way I'd prefer to operate my life is still much the way it was when I was in college. My mental image of myself has put on far fewer pounds than the mirror says I have.

But then I'll have a conversation like one I had the other day with a guy who works here in the department, but who's also a professional musician. And just when I felt that music might give us some common ground, he says, "but at 34, I'm getting kind of long in the tooth to be going around playing in bars and such." ?!?!?! I couldn't think of anything to say to that at the time, but I'll say it here.

I'm 47, as of a couple of weeks ago, and if I honestly believed that there was a market for my music - that people would pay to hear me sing my songs, and especially if anyone asked me to - I'd be on the road in a heartbeat. I haven't sung for anyone but myself in years, and I miss it terribly. I miss knowing that people want to hear me sing. I miss being able to really open up my throat and sing at full voice so that hundreds can hear me, instead of singing softly so as not to disturb anyone. I miss being asked to sing. The closest I can come to it now is karaoke night with the gang, and it's just not the same at all. I have to be pretty lubricated to get past the embarrassment of asking to have a turn to sing someone else's song, with their accompaniment, etc. I miss being asked to sing my own songs in my own way, with friends playing live harmonies with me. "Long in the tooth?!?!" Kid, I'd spend the rest of my life performing, if only someone would ask.