Domestic Partnership <> Marriage

How many times do we have to have our noses rubbed in it?

I just got it again this week, and I am so pissed. My benefits were supposed to kick in on the 1st of April, including full coverage for my domestic partner. California law now states that employers must provide benefit coverage to domestic partners equivalent to that of spouses. In fact, the law states that we now have the same rights and responsibilities as hetero married couples in the state of California, except for filing taxes jointly - because the state requires that one file with the same status as one files with the federal government - and any other instance where federal law trumps the state, because the fed doesn't recognize domestic partnerships.

So last month I turned in my form with my choices for benefit coverage, including the same for my DP. No sweat, right? Wrong. First, March 31 finds in my mailbox a letter stating that I have waived all coverage except that which is fully employer-paid (certain life and accident coverage). So, first thing the next morning, I'm on the phone to the admin at the office out of which I work (having failed to get a human on the phone at the benefit hotline number, even though it's within their stated office hours), to ask her what's up with this. She's not at her desk, so I leave a message, asking her to call me back ASAP. By midafternoon, no response, so I leave another message.

I'm a little tense about this, because since I got laid off last summer, I've been paying all my DP's medical expenses (actually not all, I've been holding off the doctors and just paying for those meds she absolutely has to have) out of pocket, to a tune that exceeds the rent (which I'm also behind on). Needless to say, we've been anxiously awaiting an end to this state of affairs. Some people already know that our financial state has me walking the edge of a nervous breakdown - have I ever mentioned that depressed people don't deal with stress well? I don't sleep well, I cry all the time, you get the picture?

By Monday morning, I feel like utter crap, and not sure whether it's a bug or the depression, I call in sick and go back to bed. Later, when I get up again, I put in another call to the admin. Still no response. Same story yesterday. Finally, late in the day, I get an email from her which is not an answer to my question, but a forward from the central benefits admin, to the effect that I need to fill out an affidavit stating that my DP is my DP and signed by both of us. By the time I open this email, it's after office hours, so I fire back an email asking, essentially (but more politely) WTF?

Why am I finding out about this form at the last minute? Why is it even necessary, given the current law in this state and the fact that married people don't have to do it? If it is necessary, why was it not in the original (really fat) packet of info and forms I got when I first signed up? Especially since I said from the outset that I need to cover my DP because I'm her sole support. I already took a pay cut from what I was getting at my previous job (about 20% off the net pay), which I told them I couldn't afford to sustain any longer than absolutely necessary, but I took it because at least it was better than the pittance I was getting in unemployment.

So I finally get the benefits person on the phone this morning. She confirms that I am covered as of the first, but the IRS requires this affidavit before they can cover her. And by the way, I'm the first person who's had a problem with this. No doubt the rest are either (a) too used to sheepishly doing as they're told, (b) not really up on the law in this state (the relevant chunks of which took effect the first of this year), (c) not in such a bind that it matters as much t othem as it does to me, or (d) some combination of the foregoing. Grrr.... fine, I'll do the frk'n form. By the way, I tell her, better look up the form on which I state that she is also my dependent for tax purposes, because I'll need to fill that out, too, so you don't collect tax on the "imputed income" of the premiums for her coverage. She's never heard of this, and refers to the part where if my DP's child is considered my DP's dependent, then I can't include said child. I looked at that bit again, and clarified her on the fact that if my DP's child were living with us, that child would also be my dependent, not my DP's dependent, because as I mentioned, I'm the sole support of my household. But we don't have to confuse things with a child, because the only child that has ever lived with us was my own, and she turned 18 and moved out last year. There's just me and DP, who is my dependent, as she's had no income for years now, and I'm her sole support. She says she'll put in a call to their legal department. Once we get the paperwork in, she'll be considered covered for the whole month, no problem there, although I still haven't pinned down exactly when we get proof of coverage that we can use to assuage her doctors and buy her meds.

Meanwhile, the Kramer decision (the one that says denying marriage to same-sex couples is against the state constitution) is on its way through the appeals process. I'm fairly confident that it will be upheld, but I am so sick and tired of having to go through this crap all the time until it is.

One of the reasons that some people use to deny us marriage rights is that "gays are promiscuous; they aren't capable of committed relationships". Bullshit! We go through all kinds of legal hoops to take care of each other and to get even the small fraction that we are able to get of the rights and responsibilities that straights get simply by saying, essentially, "we're married; give it to us". Oh, I know, it's not quite that simple. I had a straight marriage once, so I know how it goes - something like this:

1. Go to the appropriate office.
2. Pay a fee.
3. Get a form.
4. Have a licensed officiant (which can be as simple as going down the hall to another office in the same building) say "Do you?"
5. Say "I do" and sign the form, along with the officiant and two witnesses (who can be anyone who happens to be in range when you say "I do".
6. Turn in the form.
7. You are now legally married.

This simple process (which can take as little as, say, lunchtime) gets a straight couple a whole slate of rights and responsibilities (over 300 state, and well over 1,000 federal), which are hereafter assumed simply by use of the statement: "this is my spouse". You will only need to present your marriage certificate a few times. In my entire 9 years of marriage I only remember two: once to change my last name to his on my Social Security record; and when he died, so that I could get his death certificate and collect on his life insurance. That was it, folks.

To get any of that, even though the law now says that we're entitled (at least in the state of California), at best I have to fill out extra forms - for the simple stuff, like getting her covered by my employer's health coverage. For more complex things, like buying a house (if I should ever find myself so financially fortunate - and that's a whole other rant), I need to involve lawyers to make sure that no one can subvert my will that she inherit or otherwise benefit from my efforts in her behalf.

I ask you, is that even remotely fair? I don't think so.